1-19-24

I have had the saddest days in the last few days wanting to give up.  Not to be suicidal but to just go be with the Lord and give up this earthly life.  I’ve been battling physical illness with COVID and not taking care of my physical needs.  I’ve been pushing through, trying to do everything that needs to be done in my own strength.  In so doing, I’ve shut down emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  I am full of weeping, tears, and in the depths of despair.  I’ve pulled into myself shutting out my wife, the world and God.  As I began to cry out to God this morning in my despair and hopelessness I was determined to do things my way, to go to where I had left off in my writing and ignore the verse of the day in my reading. 

However, God had a different plan for me.  I’ve tried to write on the SOTM but keep getting side tracked.  God has more to teach me so I can hear Him to write what He wants, not me. 

The verse of the day was “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God” (Matt. 5:8 NIV1984). In my arrogant, depressive, sinful pride, God answered my prayer.  God has been teaching me about being pure in heart the last few days in other sections of scripture, mainly in Colossians 3 (see my post above). 

In the SOTM, the progression bracketed with the reward of “theirs is the kingdom of heaven” is – poor in spirit→mourning→meekness→hungering and thirsting after righteousness→mercy→pure in heart→peacemakers→persecution because of righteousness.  Jesus then personalizes the beatitudes by saying “Blessed are YOU when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.  12  Rejoice and be glad,  because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you” Matthew 5:11-12 NIV1984. 

I believe God has brought me through the first three beatitudes of humility, mourning, and meekness to where I am hungering and thirsting for righteousness.  But in so doing I have not come to the place of having a heart of mercy.  These are all required to have a pure heart.  I can’t do this on my own.  It has to be done by the Holy Spirit working in me to break me of my worldly, sinful pride that rears its ugly head to derail my walk with Christ.

Father, thank you for not giving me what I want but giving me what I need when I need it.  Your timing is perfect and I yield my will to yours today.  I pray for your healing of my body physically, emotionally and spiritually that I might crucify my flesh, die to self, and serve You through the Holy Spirit.  I pray all these things in the name of Jesus of Nazareth who died in my place on the cross for my sins, rose from the dead, and is seated at the right hand of the Father making intercession for me. 

Amen